True

I know that I haven't had an entry for a while, but I haven't had much to write about that wasn't excruciatingly mundane...or private. But today I have something.

So last night, our choir at church had the honor of being asked to sing in the Point of Grace concert, whose Winter Wonderland Nashville tour stop happened to be our "little" auditorium. On top of the honor bestowed upon our choir, which was excepted with alacrity, our worship pastor asked me to sing one of two solos. I was absolutely flattered as well as terrified--not of singing in front of a full house (and that, it was), because I have sung in front of many more than our auditorium holds, but of telling anyone about it, especially those in the choir.

I have had some experiences in the past of people doubting my sincerity when singing in church. But singing in church is the one place where the actor that is Rachel (the one who hides feelings and controls emotions in public to simply deal with life as it comes) no longer exists. I am the stripped down, naked (figuratively) version of myself. What I share and what I do from the stage at church is simply my expression to God for all to see. Yes, I dance. Yes, I move. Yes, I groove. Yes, I sing when there are no words. These are all part of my language of love to my Creator and almost a primal, instinctual reaction to music. God created that in me. He created that in a lot of people, but some are so stifled and scared to let it loose simply because they have been taught at one time or another to be ashamed of it, whether that be overtly or merely by implication. And most have no idea why...

Now that I have gone off on a completely different tangent...let's get back on topic. I told one person outside of my husband and mother. I told my good friend who happens to be in choir with me, but I also told her that I was scared to say anything to anyone else for various reasons. Simply put, it wasn't about me...and I didn't want to give the impression that I thought it was.

So most didn't know until the night before the show, at the final rehearsal, and others not until the show itself.

However, the thing I will remember most about last night is this: I have true friends. Those that will grieve when I grieve and rejoice when I rejoice. Those that will be truly happy for me and proud of me when I am honored. I had a number of choir members come up to me last night and give me long hugs and tell me how happy they were for me and what a great job I did. And none of the praise mattered...what mattered was that I had friends to share it with. In the past, I have only been surrounded by those who would be jealous and try to, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, keep me from doing my best. This has happened both in churches and out.

Jealousy is a natural reaction and I will never say that I don't experience it. But I also recognize it for what it is and I quell it. It is not a flattering nor effective emotion. The only thing it accomplishes is keep you from recognizing what God has given you...it keeps you focused on what God has given others and you hate them for it. And when you hate them, you hate God...

The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' - Matthew 25:40

God has blessed me with true friends and I can only hope that I can be that true in return.